Gareth Williams: Case Closed

To the Telegraph - always the go-to paper for delightfully detailed and lurid reporting of coroners' reports, autopsies, murders and the like.
Today we learn; "MI6 codebreaker Gareth Williams probably locked himself into the sports bag where his naked body was found and was not the victim of a hit by the security services, Scotland Yard has found after conducting a review of the case."
HUH!!?
Mind = blown!
So who's been advancing loads of loopy conspiracy theories and zombie rumours (the ones that refuse to die) ever since poor Gareth was found dead in August 2010?
Only every single sodding newspaper in the UK.
And which maverick lone wolf has consistently - nay manfully - said these all sounded like a load of balls and doggedly pursued the truth, like some modern day Woodward and Bernstein.
Only Fagburn!
It seemed pretty clear that Gareth Williams was, ahem, "enjoying himself in an unusual way" and that no-one else was involved.
Let's call it Onan's Law - a single man living alone will find ever more inventive ways of getting his rocks off.
I know I keep saying this, but it would save so much time if everyone just listened to me in the first place.
Good day.

Update: Then rather bafflingly the Sunday Telegraph came up with some more zombie rumours linking Gareth to some Kazakh oligarch. Oh crap. Where will it end?