Damian Barr: Joan Collins & Moi

Damian Barr, author of the inexplicably acclaimed memoir, Maggie & Me: Or How I Learned To Stop Working Classing And Love The Bitch writes a pointless column for The Sunday Times, on posh drinking hostelries.

This week he goes to Claridge's Bar with another right-wing bitch, Dame Joan Collins - and yes, it's every bit as painful as you'd imagine.

“I saw Ivan [Massow] earlier. I’m truly honoured to be considered a gay icon. I love gay men. I’m not saying that in a patronising way. Yes, they have the best taste, but they’re not going to jump on you. I made my first gay friend, Trevor, at Rada, and he was my safe haven. I’ve had a lot of trouble with men.” 

Pass the champagne bucket, Damian, I think I'm going to be sick.

Right-Wing Illiterate Gay Cunts: Oh Do Fuck Off

Queerty.

Pink News.

Something something, no idea what I'm trying to say here, blah blah blah, stop it, I'm great...

Tweet Of The Day: Ivan Massow

@pinknews And he shall be known as DAMIEN!

— Fagburn  (@Fagburn) August 18, 2015

Saving this for posterity, as I consider it among my finest work. x

Ivan Massow: Questions To Which The Answer Is No

Pink News.

Fink it was mainly cause even your beloved Tory Party fink you're bleedin' hopeless, Ivana.

DUMPED BY TEXT!!!

PS At least he could count on the loyal support of fellow gay Tory, Iain Dale; 'Delusional... creepy... buttock-clenchingly awful' etc. Check out the least convincing Cockernee accent since Dick Van Dyke below.

Ivan Massow Watch: Hello!?

The nursery is painted pristine white and a simple cream-coloured cot sits waiting in a corner. ‘I suppose it really should be blue, now we know it’s a boy,’ says the anxious father-to-be. ‘But I’ve left all that up to the mother.’

He has dutifully attended hospital scans and antenatal classes and plans to be in the delivery room for the birth of his first child next month.

Nothing extraordinary here, you might think. But this is hardly your typical expectant dad. This is Ivan Massow, multi-millionaire gay political activist and prospective Tory candidate for Mayor of London next year...

From a predictably positively glowing at-home-with profile in The Mail On Sunday.

Ivan Massow - the smug grinning twatface of heteronormative gay conformity today.

Note how his main pitch to be mayor is; ‘I’m not your typical politician. I take the Tube.'

ie He is so out of touch he thinks ordinary Londoners will be impressed that he (sometimes) uses the tube.

Mind you, everyone knows he travels everywhere on horseback.

Go on parrot, do your stuff!

Ivan Massow: Gay Nightmare {Gedditt?]

Mr Massow, a serial entrepreneur and lifelong Conservative [sic], said that he would not stand for any demonization of the UK’s financial services sector.

“It makes £125bn for the economy, and that’s before you factor in couriers and taxis and other service industries,” he said.

“People say we rely too heavily on the financial services. Fine. Grow other businesses, then. The City pays its way and does a lot of good.

“Socialism takes capitalism for granted.”

Telegraph.

What a thick Tory twat - and that's before you factor in couriers and taxis.

Ivan Massow: So Hard

Ivan Massow has just launched a campaign to be selected as Conservative candidate for Mayor of London, yet here he is, sitting in the kitchen of his grand central London home – there is an Aga so large it could melt Greenland, and an island the size of… well, Greenland – telling me he has always found it harder to admit to being a Tory than to being gay.

Clearly he is not alone in this. Across the country there are people who would rather come out as gay than Conservative, and they’re completely heterosexual. “It’s always been a real problem for me because of the stigma it’s carried,” he says, very seriously. But Ivan, it’s not leprosy! “But it’s true! At the beginning of speeches I effectively have to apologise for being Conservative. Harder than coming out as gay was coming out as a Conservative.” ...

Daily Telegraph.

Dear reader, 

Can you help me - I've lost something.

The will to live...

Erm, can anyone tell me what Madame Massow means by this?

“Gay people are naturally quite conservative. Lots of gay people, they want low taxes and they don’t tend to use many state services [!] and they want to buy a house, and you know those things that they both get up to” – at this he puts his finger to his nostril and sniffs – “those things are quite Tory!”

If he means gay men and Tories both take a lot of cocaine, he moves in even more rarified circles than I thought.

PS The multi-millionaire, who is urging London businesses to pay a Living Wage, only pays his own campaign manager the minimum wage. Oops!

Ivan Massow: Who's Ivan?

He's clearly so thick he doesn't know the difference between the Lord Mayor Of London and the Mayor Of London - one might have thought this was a qualification for the job - he also has no policies, oh, but she uses the tube!

Ivan Massow: London's Failing

'My name is Ivan M, and I am a still a Tory shitbag.'

General Election 2015: Those Celebrity Gay Backers In Full

Conservatives: Christopher Biggins.

Only patron of LGBTory who's not an MP!

Though they can also count on Ivan Massow and David Starkey*, too!

What a right bunch of right-wing gay cunts, eh?

Lib Dems: Patrick Smugtwit?

Probably.

He is Britain's most boring wet liberal poove.

And it's a family affair!

Green: Peter Tatchell.

And who better to dispel the myth that the Greens are all a bit nutty, than the publicity shy campaigning celeb?

Pete's probably said somewhere that he founded the Green Party, if not Planet Earth itself.

Bless.

Labour: Owen Jones.

No, really, he is. Trust me on this one.

SNP: Alan Cumming.

Was often wheeled out during the 'Yes!' campaign.

But like their most famous celeb supporter, Sean Connery, Mr Cumming is an ex-pat. Oops!

'England for the English...' etc etc.

Ukip: Morrissey.

"I nearly voted for Ukip. I like Nigel Farage a great deal," he told Loaded in 2013.

"His views are quite logical – especially where Europe is concerned."

And La Mozza's views are highly logical, too.

She loves England so much she's spent much of the last 20 years living abroad in tax exile, cos it's been flooded with foreigners, innit?

Silly old queen.

* Dr Starkey threatened to do a big queeny flounce and leave the country if Cameron didn't win the 2010 General Election. Paul O'Grady - a man Fagburn much admires - has said he'll leave if the Tories win again this time. It's usually the most unbearable right-wing shits who do this - I am unaware if anyone has actually carried it out.

PS If you decide how to vote because of something a famous person has said, may I implore you not to vote tomorrow?

Update: Undecided/Undeclared - Will Young. Former politics student Will Nice-But-Dim offered his astute analysis to Digital Spy; 'I don't know, it'll be a hung parliament and it all just feels like a wet fart.'

Ivan Massow: Choices, Choices

Ivan Massow, who wants to be the next mayor of London, tells Total Politics that his political allegiance was set by the way he was treated as a young gay man. “Labour were the people who beat you up on the streets after they tipped out the pub drunk,” he said. Tories, by contrast, were “likely to offer you money for sex after they’ve had too many gin and tonics”. Lecherous pests or violent thugs: choices, choices...

The Times Diary.

Wot a twot.

Ivan Massow: Still Fucking Terrible

“Look, I don’t want to bring out a violin, but the lack of support from the gay community at that time, because I attended a conference with Margaret Thatcher for example, really brought me down, because I couldn’t tell people what I was trying to achieve. And I had a very specific objective. Because I saw the politics of sexuality at the time being very much a case of them and us.

“So we were expected to join the left side, even though we might be quite entrepreneurial and want to own our own houses and believe in small government, and all the things I personally – and especially gay men – tend to be.

“Gay males don’t realise it, but when you start to dissemble, and ask them the questions that are multiple choice, they’re Tory. But you were obliged to stand on the left and throw rocks at the right. Almost as if they enjoyed it. It was like a class hatred thing and I didn’t see that as being productive."

Gay Tory millionaire shitbag, Ivan Massow, interviewed in the digital edition of Attitude.

One word, Ivan... bollocks.

London: Possible New Night Mayor Threat

Evening Standard - exclusive!

Just when you think we've seen the last of this Tory goon, like T2 he appears.

Does anyone remember Ivan's appearance on Question Time?

He came across as even thicker than Adam Rickitt.

Update: During a Gaydio radio interview he goes on a bananas rant about all those disgusting gays and their drugs and their unsafe sex and those 'slamming' parties he read about somewhere.

Only Mayor Massow can save London from this tidal wave of gay filth!!!

PS Mail columnist Susan Vine attacks anti-poverty campaigner and food writer, Jack Monroe, for being a lesbian mum; 'No one forced her to have a child. Indeed, if she was in anyway uncertain of her sexual orientation, arguably she should have taken greater precautions...'

Sarah Vine is the wife of Michael Gove - Gove used to share a bachelor pad with Massow.

Can dots be drawn here?

Update: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Tory: Party

A doorstep lender, a host of property tycoons and a Ukraine-born energy magnate were among guests worth, in all, £22bn, who attended the Tories’ most important fundraising event of the year, a table plan leaked to the Guardian reveals.

The secret list of about 570 guests at the Tories’ Black and White Ball, held in February will heighten concerns that the country’s wealthiest people are gaining access to David Cameron and senior Conservative cabinet members in private.

The revelation follows details published by the Guardian and the Bureau of Investigative Journalism in July which showed how lobbyists and oligarchs had paid up to £12,000 for a table at the 2013 Tory summer party.

At both events, where tickets went for £450 to £1,000, guests were seated with ministers whose portfolios were relevant to the diners’ financial interests.

However, the wealth of the partygoers attending the February gala – which also took place at the Old Billingsgate Market, in the City of London – is estimated to have been double that of the summer party...

The Guardian.

Back soon, but Fagburn has temporarily lost the will to live...

Ivan Massow: Just Say No!

I have struggled to satirise this piece by leading gay Tory thicko, Ivan Massow, in the Evening Standard - about how all us awful, and awfully common, gayers are fucking and drugging ourselves to death - but why bother when he does it so well himself?

"There are, of course, thousands of us living in leafy civil partnerships, contemplating children and playing vital or heroically suburban roles in society. For many, drugs and the “scene” in general play no role. But we’re not representative — and it’s a worry."

100% out-of-touch poshgay anti-gay right-wing andrewpiercemarksimpsonbollocks!
Why can't you gays just be more normal?
And as wonderful and perfect as I think I am?
Something of a landmark article.
Drugs - boo!
Clubs - boo!
The "scene" - boo!
Sex - boo!
Fun - boo!
Gay men - BOO!!!
Oh, drop dead, you stupid boring rich fuck.
We're plotting a new queer class war and it starts with you.
Oh, and happy pride to the rest of you!

Margaret Thatcher: 1925-2013

My mum always said; "If you've got nothing nice to say, say nothing."
So I might be gone for some time...

Update: 'Divisive figure for LGBT people in the UK' - Gay Star News.
'A controversial figure in gay rights' - Pink News.*
Jesus fucking wept!
Fagburn is reminded of the Not The 9 O'Clock News song on the press reaction to the death of the British fascist leader, Oswald Mosley.

* This is by Joseph Patrick McCormick, who also claims she was a "gay icon", and says there was "some controversy around Section 28".
Some??!!!
McCormick is now - officially - the worst gay journalist of all time. 
Can you not palm him off to Gay Star News, Benjamin, where he surely belongs? 
[Edit: PN seem to be rewriting their copy as a damage limitation exercise. The "gay icon" remark is now seemingly warranted as silly pranksters Gilbert & George once said it. Can you show me the quote, please? Sadly, they can't change that stupid headline as its been quoted so much in the comments section].

Update2: Leading gay Tory blogger, Iain Dale...

Update3: One from the archives; Mark Simpson, professional upper class twit, record-beating snob and right-wing hegemonic goon, who turned his contempt for working-class gay men into a book called Anti-Gay - well, they're all so common and vulgar, aren't they, Mark? -  also thinks Thatcher was a "gay icon".

Update4: Another gay Tory, Matthew Parris in The Times; Worshipped and admired by many... 

Update5: Andrew Sullivan puts it simply as; 'Thatcher, Liberator'. Like Mark Simpson, Sullivan is a convincing argument for closing down the brainwashing factories that are British private schools. You can take the gay man out of the Republican Party/Reigate, but...

Update6: LGBTory - the Conservative's gay group - on Twitter.

Update7: Thanks to Paul B for reminding me of this 1987 election billboard poster - used to pass one twice a day. Really made a gay kid feel good. Still, sad to hear the "controversial" "gay icon" has now passed away.
Tell me where she's being buried, I'll go piss on it. 

Update8: Matthew Parris in The Times pays tribute - again - to The Warrior Who Turned Up Just In Time. Barf!

I could write about the Margaret Thatcher who, in our last real one-to-one conversation, took my hand as I took my leave of politics and told her that our party needed to try harder to make gay Tory voters and MPs like me feel that Conservatism was for them, too: “There, there, dear . . .” (she patted my arm) “that must have been very difficult to say.”

Update9: Ivan Massow in the Standard. 

“She can’t have adorned many other male teenage bedroom walls but I was proud of my Margaret Thatcher poster, I still am. She was pilloried by the gay community for letting Section 28 go through on her watch but her attitude towards homosexuality is often misunderstood. Thatcher’s own views on gay rights were surprisingly enlightened. So she was a poster girl for gay rights — in every sense.”

Where do you start?

Update10: Thankfully, Britain's leading wet liberal gay journalist, Patrick Smugtwit, has saved me the bother of satirising him this time.

Hugh Muir: Hopeless

A grievous blow for Ivan Massow, the millionaire Tory businessman who once described himself as the "only gay in the Westminster village". Things have moved on, but still Massow was unable to convince the local party in Somerton and Frome to take seriously his bid to be the Tory champion at the next election. His advocacy of gay marriage, the issue that saw the local chairman resign, might not have helped. The candidate is to be David Warburton: a teacher turned businessman/composer, once a cleaner, van driver and shopkeeper. Just the man, say Tories, to shove the Lib Dem farming minister David Heath on the political scrapheap. They dream of nothing but Lib Dem humiliation these days.

The hopeless Hugh Muir in his record-breakingly banal and lazy Guardian Diary - did anyone really think Massow's "bid" was serious? 

Ivan Massow: Photo Opportunity

“I think the majority of the party are on board on gay marriage,” he told The Independent at his London home. “But it’s totemic and it’s a fight.”

“I was adviser to the party leader and George Osborne was the speech writer, so I was telling George what to write for William,” he recalled, with a chuckle at the irony. For a brief spell in the 1990s he shared a London flat with Nick Boles, now the planning minister, who is also openly gay, and Michael Gove, now the Education Secretary.
Mr Massow’s political views had always been at odds with his position as a gay rights advocate...
He clashed with traditionalists over the notorious Section 28 of the Local Government Act, which blocked the promotion of homosexuality in state schools, and in 2000 dramatically defected to Labour.
“In order to bring about the change I thought was necessary, I felt I had to leave,” he said. “I paid the price though. I’ve been completely quiet for almost eight years now while I’ve seen all my friends ascend to the front bench … or become Prime Minister.”
His resignation highlighted a crisis of identity within the Tories – one that many felt was reconciled when a young, socially progressive, pro-gay politician called David Cameron became leader. “Everyone at the time accused me of being a contradiction but now those contradictions are mainstay – being gay and a Tory is just taken for granted,” Mr Massow said.
In his view there is only one more “baby step” left for the party – gay marriage. “Bringing the Tory Party over these hurdles is all I’ve ever wanted to do. The reason why, in 1999, William Hague decided to stand me next to Margaret Thatcher at the party conference was to show that the party was moving in this direction. The work started that day.” 

Hilarious "It's all about me" interview with the awful Ivan Massow in the Independent. 
Funny, I always got the impression Nick Boles wrote Massow's scripts.
Anyone who recalls him on Question Time may have thought he was as politically illiterate and incoherent as Will Young.
Mr Massow is threatening a "return to politics", which seems to mainly involve getting profiled loads in the media once again. *
Yowsah!

* Here he is in the Mail - his natural home?

Ivan Massow: At Home

You sensing a theme here?
Some of "close to 30" portraits of Ivan Massow at his London home.
FT Weekend.

Ivan Massow: Nice One Scotland!

TORY toff Ivan Massow was attacked by rock-wielding thugs during a visit to Scotland for Channel 4's The Secret Millionaire.
The gay insurance tycoon, 44, is a lifelong backer of the Conservative Party and is on their approved candidates list for potential MPs.
He's also pals with ex-PM Margaret Thatcher, famously escorting her to the 1999 party conference.

The Scottish Sun.
For the record Massow's not a "toff", all his fox hunting lord of the manor airs and graces are put on...