New Year Honours: Gay Bloke Awarded Meaningless Award

Trevor Multi-Storey-Car-Park, who is openly gay, has been awarded a gong in the New Year Honours, Fagburn can exclusively reveal.
Mr Multi-Storey-Car-Park was awarded a CGBE (Chief Gayer of the British Empire) after five years as Keeper and Grand Protector of Her Majesty the Queen's Royal Swans - an hereditary office - and for "personal services" to Prince Edward.

Adam Pickup: Disappeared

In the early hours of Saturday morning 17 year-old Adam Pickup disappeared.

His friends last saw him leaving the club night Fab Café after drinking on Canal Street.

Police have been appealing for witnesses - though after finding a body yesterday are not sure his death was suspicious.

This has been all over the national newspapers.

And the coverage in the British gay news media - which would have been useful when the police were conducting a suspected murder enquiry - was...
Zilch.

Did you not get a press release?

PS A recent exchange with a certain gay journalist - who I shall not name as it was a personal communication - trying to explain why they haven't covered this was more surreal than a Salvador Dali eggbox. x

Alan Bennett: Sneering Subversive

An ever-so slightly hysterical response to a few rather mild lines in Alan Bennett's 2013 diary in the LRB.
Absolutely classic old school Daily Mail.
Happy new year!
x

PS Here's Alan reading a Shipping Forecast yesterday - absolutely classic Radio 4.

Fagburn: Review Of The Year 2013

"When I was *cough cough*-five
It was a very good year.
It was a very good year
For Tom Daley came out and Thatcher died
and now you can marry a guy
if you want to and have one 
but I don't... " : (

2013: What It Meant To Gay Star News

So 2013?
Gay Star News thinks this photo says it all.
Some gay soldiers getting gaymarried!
Isn't it adorable!
And heart-warming!

GSN loves sentimental crap like this that serves power and heteronormativity!
If only there was a flashmob and an adorable video of a kid saying he likes them THAT WENT VIRAL!
And don't forget to buy more over-priced crap from people who say they love The Gays!
GSN LOVES BEING BRAIN-DEADINGLY BANAL!!!

• This post was sponsored by the wonderful LGBT-friendly corporate crooks at Barclay's Bank.

David Shenton: Pink Product Loyalty

Fagburn loves David Shenton and Polari magazine. x

2013 The Gay Year In Review: Our New Star Columnist Penelope Gymkhana-Pony Writes

Well, it's been a real rollercoaster of a year for the gays, and make no mistake!
Aren't the gays great?
I am friends with one.
He is a totally brill GBF - that's a gay best friend!!!
Have you got one?
And now they can get gaymarried!
Amazing!
But not in Russia!
Not so amazing!!!
Happy gaybumming to Sebastian, sweetie!
Let's go skiing in Biarritiz again, babes!
Can I just say again I really really love The Gays!
They're like so cool and funny and look nice and like going clothes shopping with me.
I'd marry Sebastian but I'm worried about the fisting.
Will this do?

Fagburn: Awards

In celebration of Fagburn's most read blogpost of 2013 - that wasn't just some pervs who'd Googled 'Tom Daley gay naked' - an anonymous admirer has sent me this actual statue of an award for Fagburn's first Worst awards.

PS I hesitated about posting this because my mum reads this, but I'm pretty sure she has seen a penis before. x

Alan Bennett: Fuck

18 August. Watching the run-through of the touring version of People at the National I reflect that there isn’t much swearing in my plays. I imagine the characters in a play by Mark Ravenhill, say, get through more ‘fucks’ in the first five minutes than there are in my entire oeuvre. The first time I wrote ‘fuck’ in a script was in my second play, Getting On, and Kenneth More, who was the star (and swore all the time himself), refused to say it on the understandable grounds that it would reduce the takings at the matinées, and since he was on a percentage this mattered.

From Alan Bennett's 2013 diary, London Review Of Books.

Scouts: Help Save The Youth Of America!

Daily Mail - who else?

A Mail reader comments..

As a former Boy Scout, I can assure you that there have always been gay scouts and that mild, harmless sexual experimentation among young boys is not unusual. The truth is that most boys only remain active in scouting up until 14 or 15, that is, before they become sexually active. Most scouts who may come out later as gay don't identify as gay this early on, so an openly gay scout will continue to be a rarity.

Thanks for clearing that up.

Fagburn thinks this dude might have "some issues".

Fagburn: Post Christmas Filler

In the absence of any news today, and cause I couldn't be arsed to turn up for work, Fagburn has asked his new intern Rupert Posh-Idiot to compile a list of his favourite gay numbers of 2013.

1. 1 - Edgy! If you like numbers check this 'one' out!

2. 7 - Supercool! 7 was the talk of Shoreditch this year, grandad.

3. 4 - Take that Putin! 4 is the new 1!

4. 2 - One for all the gay lovers out there! Let's all be gaysoldiers and get gaymarried! #sobrave.

5. 6 - Crazy! 6 is literally mentally ill! Kboosh!

[snip...]

The Guardian: How Queer!

Faces not shown as he is a gay dad and must be filled with shame.

The Guardian.

Another piece that reads like satire.
Remember when 'queer' meant being radical and not being a heteronormative posh person?
And what the fork are "queer millenials"?
Unless you're 13?
Please no more of this on The Guardian online, you're getting worse than the Independent Voices.
And that's saying something.

Peter Tatchell And The Independent: The Big Questions

The Independent.

"Let's do a thing about the gays, to show we love the gays."
"Who should we ask?"
"It's usually Peter Tatchell, isn't it? He'll do anything, and I can't think of any other gays."
"Okay, that's The Independent's gay stuff done for this year."
"Pub?"
"Straight posh pub?"
"Straight posh pub."

Peter Tatchell: What He Sees In The Mirror (Which He Does Quite A Lot)

I've never viewed myself as either handsome or ugly, just plain and average. The strain of 46 years of almost nonstop campaigning, few holidays and hundreds of arrests, death threats and violent assaults have taken a toll. I used to look 10 years younger than my age. Now I look the age I am – 61.

I have some brain and eye injuries from the bashings by Mugabe's thugs and neo-Nazis in Moscow. My vision is now impaired. Most of my teeth have been cracked by the many bashings. The dentist has reconstructed them, so they look OK.

I don't take much care of my appearance. I've never used beauty products and don't follow fashion. My diet is healthy – lots of water, fruit, vegetables and multivitamins – plus a daily workout at home (60 push-ups, 120 sit-ups). I'm having trouble adjusting to being in my 60s as I feel about 25. I've still got pecs and a six-pack and can bound up four flights of stairs.

I am too thin: my BMI is 17. I eat huge amounts but burn it off with stress and the long hours I work – usually 14–plus a day, seven days a week. Being a non-meat eater, I struggle to get enough protein. My other battle is with sleep; I need eight hours but usually have only five or six. In the middle of a campaign I may get only three. Hence my sometimes drawn appearance. But I am content with the way I look.

The Guardian.

Just hilarious,

I swear this is a real thing and not one of my piss-takes..

Saint Peter lives on nuts and berries, gets only one hour sleep a day after all that campaigning (ie sending out press releases about himself), and has great pecs, but he doesn't like to talk about how great he is. 

Dear Coleen: Question

"I can't take this anymore, I'm going to look through the nylon curtains."

The Scottish Sun: It's Xmasssss!

A FEUDING gay couple were caged yesterday after a bizarre bust-up with cops — sparked by a row over “Christmas decorations”.

Savage Paul Lappin, 26, punched and tried to bite one policeman as his lover Darren Oakes, 40, screamed obscenities and kicked a woman officer.

The racist louts also hurled anti-Scots slurs when cops responded to 999 calls at their home shortly after a “domestic incident” over their festive display.

Prosecutor Jim Eodanable told Perth Sheriff Court: “The officers could hear Lappin in a heated exchange with his partner.

“He said ‘leave it — they are just Scottish w******’.”

Police then burst in and Lappin punched PC Ryan Thompson in the face.

Both louts, originally from Liverpool, called the officers “Scottish c****”. And Oakes kicked WPC Sandra Harrower, before screaming a vile comment about giving her children HIV.

Lappin and Oakes, of Perth, both admitted police assault and acting in a racially aggravated manner on December 6.
Defence lawyer Cliff Culley said the pair had been “drinking heavily”.

Lappin was jailed for nine months and Oakes locked up for eight months.

The Scottish Sun.

Vicious: Christmas Special

What have we, what have we done to deserve this...

Fagburn: Most Gay Men Are Communists With Anarchist Leanings - Poll

A new poll conducted by Fagburn has revealed 100% of gay men are anarcho-communists, Fagburn can exclusively reveal.
The poll - which involved asking a leading question on Twitter - was answered by one person.

Daily Mail: Absolutely The Most Patronising Article Ever Written - Official!

Yet another relationship of hers has seemingly bitten the dust.

But Liz Hurley had just the thing to put a smile back on her face: a night out with another man, just days after the reported end of her engagement to former Australian cricketer Shane Warne.

For once, Liz wasn’t on the rebound. She sought solace from the kind of man every girl needs: a gay best friend.

In Liz’s case, that GBF was Elton John’s partner, David Furnish. And just like Liz, every time I’ve checked into Heartbreak Hotel I’ve relied on my own GBF: my fellow Daily Mail columnist, Andrew Pierce.

Where would I be without him? I shudder to think. Andrew is my twin soul, my confidant, my co-conspirator in good times and sad.

And there have been plenty of both in the 15 years we’ve been an ‘item’.

We met, auspiciously enough, at the Savoy Hotel’s American Bar (although he often tells me that we’d actually met once before at the Tory Party Conference)...

Amanda Platell, Daily Mail.

Oh do shut up!

Thanks - if that's the right word for bringing this record-breaking pukeyness to my attention - to @DarnEther. x

PS Just one week later the Mail runs another feature saying every woman needs a GBF - and now they can prove it with science.

Alan Turing: Abducted By Aliens?

Alan Turing was abducted by aliens from Uranus just because he was gay, Peter Tatchell has said today in a rare press release.
"Although there is no evidence for this, this has never stopped me before," he added.

The last words of Saint Peter's press release reads, "PS I am quite mad."

PS Only Saint Peter's fans on the Daily Mail seem to have taken his latest ridiculous outburst seriously. Sad.

2013: Review Of The Year (US Version)

Uh-huh.

USA! USA! USA!

PS Fagburn's Christmas prayer is for an end to America. Texas, California, Seattle and New England should all just secede. End of empire, end of most trouble in the world.

The Pink Vote: Oh No It's Not!

Tory support among gay people has increased since David Cameron backed same-sex marriage, according to a poll.

About 30% of those surveyed by PinkNews.co.uk said they would vote Conservative – compared with 11% at the last general election. Cameron was also the most popular choice as prime minister, with 46% saying they wanted him in No 10 against 37% endorsing Labour leader Ed Miliband and 17% the Liberal Democrats' Nick Clegg.

PinkNews has been tracking the voting intentions of 724 gay people, selected to be demographically and geographically representative, since 2010.

Publisher Benjamin Cohen said: "It is clear that David Cameron's strong support for same-sex marriage, despite loud opposition from within his party, has been recognised by the gay community, although this hasn't necessarily translated into support for the Conservative party."

The Guardian, Press Association story.

Oh purlease!

Taking Pink News' readers as a snapshot of the LGBT vote is like using a poll of Daily Mail readers as a barometer of what Britain thinks.
This tells us nothing other than that a lot of gay Tories read Pink News - which is hardly (pink) news.

PS Here's the Pink News breakdown - which seems to be suggesting it would be okay to vote for UKIP and the BNP if they backed gay marriage!

Fagburn: Boxing Day

Let's face it, boxing is even gayer than diving.
x

PS Fagburn literally can't be arsed to wade through what some loner journalists threw together yesterday while pissed on mulled wine and mince pies.*

* Them, not me.

Chairman Mao: Gay Icon

Happy 120th birthday!
x

Ben Cohen: Gay Icon?

If he's such a great "gay icon" and "straight ally" why does he only give out 10% of the money his foundation makes?

PS Fagburn has asked the Ben Cohen Stand-up Foundation to explain their accounts, but after initially engaging no reply to this question comes.
Happy if they want to clear this matter up.

PS There is absolutely no evidence of ill-intent or wrongdoing by anyone.

Tom Daley: Gay Icon

Can we all stop pretending Tom's bisexual now?

Fagburn: I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day

Tom Daley's big feet, pictured recently.
x

Fagburn: Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to my Mum - and all.
x

PS Ed Reardon At Christmas. Made my miserable day.

On Christmas: Patrick Smugtwit Writes

I have just tried to go to the shops today, only to find they are all closed for Christmas.
There is only one word for this - HOMOPHOBIA!
Imagine if they said that about Muslims!

Fagburn: A New Xmas Fairy Tale

One day in a land far, far away, an emperor had no clothes.
Some leading fashionable gay designers came and told his majesty they were making an invisible costume, just for him.
The king believed them.
One day he went strutting out in all his make-believe pomp, as thousands cheered.
A little kid pointed out that the king was naked.
"He is nekkid! Stark bollocked! He is in the nuddy nud nud! He has no clothes! I repeat 'THE KING IS NAKED!'"
But everyone ignored the little boy, so the movie kept moving as planned...

(trad. arr. R. Smith)

Fagburn: So Here It Is Merry Xmas Everybody's Having Fun...

Created by Amsterdam-based designer Ruben Pater, the Drone Survival Guide is, on one side, a rough bird watcher's guide to the modern robot at war. The other side is a short section of printed survival tips, and the guides are available in Pashto, Dutch, German, Italian, Indonesian, Arabic, and English. 

The selection of drones included in the guide leads heavily towards those from NATO member countries, with the United Kingdom, Canada, France, Germany, and the United States all represented, as well as NATO itself, for the other member countries that use these drones. Partly because those are the countries that have used drones, in Afghanistan and elsewhere,,,

Also represented are drones from China, Morocco, India, the United Arab Emirates, and Israel. In fact, Pater told Popular Science that part of his inspiration came from people in the Gaza Strip, who filmed Israeli drones overhead, and the challenge of making out what kind of machine it is from the silhouette alone...

• Chris Woods' Drone Watch.

• There were no trains from Brighton to London yesterday, so Fagburn will not be spending Christmas day at his mum's.
He is thus very, very sad (Though our Tom finally managed to make it to Plymouth - without DLB! Swings, roundabouts etc.)

Alan Turing: That Royal Warrant In Full

For the record, Fagburn thinks this is an important symbolic act, and Turing had a brilliant mind.

Eagle-eyed viewers may spot it's signed by Chris Grayling, not the queen.

And Chris Grayling is a noted homophobe.

Oops!

Mail Online.

PS Who Will Pardon The Government?, Martin Robbins, Guardian Online - one of the few people writing sense about this nonsense.

The Guardian: Closing Early For Christmas

The Guardian: Making festive fun filler out of other people's misery.

Alan Turing: Pardon?

Alan Turing, who single-handedly won the Second World War, even though he was openly gay, has been granted an official Royal Pardon by Her Maj QE2, Fagburn can reveal.
Although this is absolutely meaningless in the general scheme of things, Fagburn thinks we should all take five minutes to praise Allah and our glorious queen.
Turing is famous for not actually breaking the Enigma Code - that was some Poles - and who cares about them?
[They come over here, breaking our codes etc]
And if anyone cut short the Second World War, it wasn't Bletchley Park, it was the Soviet Red Army.
9 million died.
Turing was such a ditzy queen he left some cyanide in his kitchen, and probably may not have committed suicide.*
"Chemical castration" is a highly emotive term - which is why it is no longer used.
If The Man wants to reduce a "sex offender'"s libido, now they give you Prozac.
This is hardly the same as having your balls cut off.
And Alan died a long time after he came off his hormone treatment, anyway.
But still she's a great gay martyr, I'm sure you'll agree.
And where would we be without our heroic gay myths?
This meaningless and pointless token gesture has thus made everything bad that's ever happened to The Gays okay.
Including what happened to all the other less famous gayers that were sent to prison, but who cares about them?
50,000 other men had their lives ruined.
For our fantastic Queen has a magic wand (even though she's just a figurehead and is probably unaware this has happened).
Alan Turing was contacted via Fagburn's ouija board and said; "I was a scientist, do you really think I give a flying fuck about such trivial things?"
"Can a dead man feel better?"
As gay idiots worldwide rejoiced, the mathematical genius repeated his dictum; "We are not interested in the fact that the brain has the consistency of cold porridge."
As ever, no-one listened.

Update: Peter Tatchell has just been on Radio 4's Today saying Alan Turing was killed by the security services cause he was gay! Mere words can not begin to express how hilarious this mad man is! [Edit: I wondered if I was hallucinating, but Saint Peter does actually believe this, brilliantly arguing; "Although there is no evidence..." You couldn't make it up! Oh hang, you have...

* On the doubts over whether Alan Turing committed suicide. Polish gag courtesy of Dan. x

Daily Mail gets the story right - Gay Star News doesn't! Astounding.

Fagburn: Seasons Greetings!

Don't think I'll be posting much this week, lest I even bore myself.
Fagburn's thoughts are with all unpaid slave labour interns trying to fill a newspaper at this difficult time.

PS Christmas comes early... Hidden Cameras cover Blue Christmas!

Fagburn: Man Of The Year

He came out!
As a gay!
Who knew?
Tom! Ditch. That. Bitch!

Runner-up: Paul Flowers - crucified for having more fun than Daily Mail readers.

Fagburn: Album Of The Year

Do you really have to ask?

Runner-up: Petula Clark Lost In You. A total curve-ball. How the fuck did this heartsmashing beauty happen? Like John Grant, but 81. Wow!

Fagburn: Fillum Of The Year

I know it's not "technically" a film, so don't write in.

Runner-up: Czech Lads Doing It IV (Bel Ami Productions).

Fagburn: Song Of The Year

No contest!
I never bought a copy but you don't need to cause you heard it all the time and whenever I did I felt glad to be alive which is all you want from a record really.
And partly cause it made some prudish joyless sexless prunes wet their M&S knickers in a year dominated by the silly middle class boring Ban Porn Anti-Sex Brigade.
And partly cause Pharrell Williams is so beautiful.
Fuck yeah!

Runner-up: Icona Pop - I Love It. All my 'Lectro dreams come true. FTPA!

Fagburn: Book Of The Year

Please read - it's an absolute hoot.

Runner-up Managing Democracy Managing Dissent: Capitalism, Democracy and The Organisation of Consent Edited by Rebecca Fisher. Gramsci lives! Not much hootness here though.

Obligatory book by Uncle Noam: On Western Terrorism Noam Chomsky and Andre Vltchek.

Album Of The Year: Another One

PS It's Pet Shop Boys' Electric.

Fagburn: The First Worsts

Fagburn's Inaugural First Worsts Gay Media Watch 2013 Awards Ceremony...

Worst newspaper in the world.

The Independent. Unbelievably patronising dim-witted gay coverage, all seemingly written by posh straight interns who know fuck all about The Gays, and whose idea of research is typing 'gay' into Google News. Actually chose the "inventor" of a pink Union Jack as the tenth most important gayer in Britain! And don't even get me started on Tilda fucking Swinton and her stupid rainbow flag.

Worst journalist.

Patrick Strudwick. Pearl-clutching bed-wetting liberal idiot. Would accuse a pencil-case of being 'homophobic'. Literally incapable of writing an interesting sentence. Seems to think the main point of journalism is publishing photos of his grinning face (Sad "Boo-hoo squish squish sad face" also available).

Worst journalist in the world of gay.

They are both called Joe. This seems to be "a thing".

Worst journalist in the world of lesbian.

Nancy Goldstein. Actually clinically bonkers.

Worst straight journalist writing about something she knows fuck all about.

Gemma Aldridge for her fantastically ignorant Sunday People article saying "bug chasing" is "a thing".

Worst straight media gay cliché.

Gay dads. Arggggghhhh!

Worst pop star.

Lady Gaga - an absolute five star patronising idiot.

Worst article of the year.

Pink News declares the late Margaret Thatcher a "gay icon". FFS! [See also that Tory winker Damian Barr's Maggie & Me].

Worst website.

Huffington Post Gay Voices. Could you be a bit less boring and worthy, please?

Worst website in the proud to be a gay American world.

Americabloggay. 'Russia bad. America good. Must serve empire! Ugh!' Could you be any more servile to American power? [No].

Worst article about The Gays and The Sports.

Too many to mention, but apparently it is still "the last taboo."

Worst decision.

The conviction of Chelsea Manning.

Worst gay Uncle Tom.

The Daily Mail's Andrew Pierce. 'And I say this as a self-loathing gay Tory myself...' [Fifth year running].

Worst gay hypocrite.

Cardinal Keith O'Brien. Hahahahahahahaha!

Worst liar.

Waitress in anti-gay receipt scam. Astounded people still print junk like this story unquestioned.

Worst hoax.

Kenny Everett and Freddie Mercury took Princess Diana in man drag to the Vauxhall Tavern. Yeah, that happened.

Worst transphobes.

Julie Burchill, Julie Bindel et al.

Worst television programme ever made.

Vicious. FFS!

Worst not coming out.

"Unfortunately, I am not homosexual. In technical fact, I am humasexual. I am attracted to humans. But, of course ... not many". Morrissey. 

You are even gayer than me and Tom Daley's gay lovechild, dear.

Worst gay news site.

Gay Star News. Just unbelievably embarrassing business-rimming naff shit. Literally turning your brain into apolitical mushy peas. Any gay publication will bear the imprint of its editor, so that's why GSN is as dull as saggy old arseholes. Thanks Little Lord Tristram Double-Barrelled Name! Can you just not? Fagburn hates!

Worst gay message board.

Pink News. It really is the gay Mail Online. Do only members of LGBTory read this?

Worst gay campaign group.

Queer Nation NY. Cause why protest about queer homelessness, poverty, misery and homophobia in New York, when you can organise a photo-op of you pouring Russian [Latvian?] vodka down a drain?

Worst gay tizzyfit.

A famous person said they're not that keen on gay marriage. He must die!! Bet he eats that gay-hate Barilla pasta!

Worst gay meme.

By Stonewall. Oh do shut up.

Worst LGBT campaigner.

Saint Peter Tatchell. Egomaniac and fantasist who confuses a movement with himself, thus destroying any real potential for a left-wing grassroots gay movement. Last seen harassing an old man who's said he doesn't support anti-gay laws. No wonder the Daily Mail thinks Pete is a "national treasure".

Worst blogger.

Fagburn. Solipsistic sanctimonious embittered joyless moaning twat.