Richard Littlejohn: The New Swift

Afternoon, sir. Welcome to the Coalition Arms. Shake my hand. The name’s Cameron, but you can call me Dave. All my regulars do. Beautiful British name, Dave. Just like the other half, Sam. Dave and Sam. Beautiful British names.

That’s Sam, as in Samantha, not as in Sam. Wouldn’t want you getting the wrong impression. Not that I’ve anything against it, mind you. Far from it.

In my humble opinion, same-sex marriage is the best thing since John Smith’s smooth bitter. We’ve just opened a gay bar in the old tap room.

If you’re that way inclined, you’ll find it down the corridor, past the chillax zone and next to the nappy-changing facilities in the gents’ toilets. And we’ve just started a transgender night, every other Tuesday...

Daily Mail.

News that David Cameron may be related to Al Murray, the Pub Landlord, inspires Littlejohn to one of his famously painfully unfunny "satirical" pieces.

Oh my aching sides!

No, hang on, maybe that's appendicitis.