Cardinal O'Brien: A Call For A Christian Fightback

The head of the Catholic church in Scotland has added his voice to growing calls for Christians to be allowed to openly express their beliefs during Holy Week.
In his Easter Sunday homily, Cardinal Keith O'Brien will urge Christians to 'proudly nail themselves to a big cross in the car park behind Asda, like they do in the Philippines'.
In a story that we made up, Birmingham council has banned public crucifixions citing health and safety regulations, and has called for Easter to be re-named Springterval.  
Speaking at Edinburgh's St Mary's Cathedral tomorrow, O'Brien will quote Pope Benedict XVI, who said Christians 'need to be free to act in accordance with their own bizarre medieval sado-masochistic voodoo death cult'.
The cardinal will also say: 'I know that many of you do nail yourselves to a cross in the privacy of your own homes, not in a pervy way, but as a simple indication that you are trying to live by Christ's standards in your own daily life, even though you've clearly never listened to a single word that he said.'
He will add: 'Easter provides the ideal time to remind ourselves of the centrality of superstition and stupid rituals in our Catholic faith.
'A cross can easily be knocked up using two planks of wood and some Evo Stik. I hope people will consider giving some as gifts, and perhaps even crucifying their own children.'
Last month, Cardinal O'Brien hit the headlines after calling for 'all the gays to be put to death like what it says in the Bible.'
A fundraising drive has been launched by Father Martin McVeigh who is selling off his extensive collection of gentlemens' magazines and DVDs.

The Daily Mail.
Probably.