Exclusive: Putin 'Murders Gay Puppy'!

President Putin, the Russian president of Russia, has apparently killed a gay puppy with his own bare hands, Fagburn can exclusively reveal.
The photo above shows the clearly terrified little doggy-woggy, just moments away from certain death.
It is taken from a shocking new video that no-one has actually seen, but Radio Free Europe/Voice Of America - a highly-respected independent news outlet funded by the US state department - has said definitely exists.
They say Putin can apparently be heard calling the dog "my beautiful little bitch" and trying to sexually humiliate it by threatening to "give it a bone".

There are fears this could just be the beginning of the mass extermination of all gay puppies in Russia.
"I fear this could be the beginning of the mass extermination of all gay puppies in Russia," commented national treasure, Stephen Fry. "I spent an afternoon in St Petersburg last year, and I can tell you these adorable little doe-eyed balls of fluffiness are treated like dogs."
Mr Fry has called for a show of solidarity by all entrants at next year's Cruft's Dog Show wearing a big pink bow.

Playwright Havey Fierstein was not alone in pointing out this all has chilling echoes of Nazi Germany; "This is exactly how Hitler started. First he killed his alsatian, Blondi, in his Berlin bunker, then he gassed all the Jews. Except this time, Poo-tin is killing gay puppies right now. In secret."
Fierstein claims that in Moscow specially trained "dog-handlers" round up "stray" dogs and intern them in specially-constructed "dog homes".
It is understood many have been "put down". 

Leading American gay journalist and mediawhore, Dan Savage, has urged for a mass boycott of Choco Choco Doggy Treats, which are made in Baltimore.
"Enough is e-fuckin'-nuff! Time to hit the Russians where it hurts! All gay men and our straight allies must stop buying Choco Choco Doggy Treats immediately! Even if they don't have a dog."
"Money talks! Let's make it bark!"
And if that doesn't work? "I think we should invade Russia, just like I kept saying we should invade Iraq."
Asked if his boycott was ill-thought-out and pointless, Savage told Fagburn; "It's working! There's no reports of Putin killing any other gay puppies today."
"The fact that Putin isn't doing something now that he wasn't doing before proves the protest - which was organised by me, incidentally - is working."

The #boycottchoco campaign has rapidly caught on worldwide - Manhole, a gay bar in London's trendy Soho, has sent out a press release saying they will not sell Choco Choco Doggy Treats to their customers - and pointing out that they currently have a wide range of tantalising drinks offers most nights.
Veteran gay rights campaigner, the normally publicity-shy Peter Tatchell, has promised to bombard the media with press releases quoting himself, and photos of himself, until someone prints one.
But the campaign's most famous supporter has to be Ian Brady.
The Moors murderer has posted a selfie on his Facebook page where he holds up a sign reading; "#Boycottchoco! Won't somebody please think of the children!?"

Yesterday, America's most right-wing Neo-con gay loon, James Kirchick, took over a live TV debate on Russia Today about Syria to bring attention to the non-existent gay puppy pogrom.
Donning a comedy rainbow bowtie that spins round and round, he told their dozens of viewers; "You know what? Fuck Syria. America should just bomb it back to the stone age. Then we should get all our sexy US marines to march on Moscow."
After launching into a barely coherent tirade about how Chelsea Manning, Edward Snowden and Glenn Greenwald should be publically hanged as traitors in a Walmart carpark, the censors at Russia Today immediately cut-off Kirchick after half-an-hour.

Patrick Smugtwit, a gay journalist famed for his stunningly original and intellectual articles, has written online; "I literally weep for the Russian gay puppies. No-one feels their pain as much as me. Boo-hoo-hoo. Why has there been such silence about this, apart from all the articles about it? Imagine if this was happening to black puppies!"
In a statement, Sebastian Posh-Twit from LGBTory - the Conservative party's gay group - slammed the Russian premier; "Although our party has a long history of supporting the torturing of puppies for fun and political gain, we have changed, and now only use them for hunting foxes."

But it's not just the gay right who are angry about this - many apolitical gay men are now pretending they care by leaving ever madder and ill-informed comments on gay media message boards.
One - @keverrett69 - posted recently; "LETZ BOMB THE RUSSIAN SCUM! 4 THE LOLZ!!!"

A spokesman for Puppy Love (мальчишеское увлечение), Russia's leading dog advocacy group, told Fagburn they thought this was all "hysterical and rather silly and based on wilful misinformation."
"I think there might be a hidden agenda here, where, once again, an officially declared enemy of the US is obediently demonised by the media in the service of Western power and neo-imperial American hegemony," he said.
"There are far, far worse things happening to gay men in many other countries now - and the US and UK are hardly queer utopias - so maybe people should stop and ask why the situation in Russia has suddenly got such obsessive, endless blanket coverage?"
"Any rational person would see this as an outbreak of mass hysteria."
"Basically you can say any old shit about Russia right now and get away with it."
But what would he know, he's a fucking filthy Russian?

• Protests have been organised in cities around the world next Friday, where people are invited to take part in a mass Pissing Against The Wind - or, if they can't be arsed, they can make themselves feel better by clicking on one of those AllOut.org e-petitions that politicians always ignore.