Edwina Currie: How You - The Gays - Were Saved By Me Me ME!

In what can only be described as a last-minute ultimatum, gay news websites run by gay Tories were yesterday given an ultimatum to run endless stories about how wonderful the Tories are, and how they started everything gay since the birth of buggery, basically.

Writing exclusively for Gay Tory News, Edwina Currie, an openly gay icon who is openly a gay icon cause we say she is - writes about How I Changed The World For The Better For The Gays Once And For All.

By 'eck, loves, pull up an Eccles cake and grab a pew.
Eeee! I'm ever so brassy me, and I'm not just putting this on.
Now I'm just an ordinary plain-speaking Scouse Liverbird, but let me tell you all about how I single-handedly changed the world.
That's right, love, between salmonella and Strictly Come Dancing, I had another career - saving the gays!
You're probably too young to remember, but there was no attempt at gay law reform before yours truly came along* - that's right, old modesty Muggins 'ere.

It was different, then, in many ways... my parliamentary colleagues seemed determined to prove their manliness by sporting a host of illicit lady friends and hidden offspring; this was the first winter of “Back to Basics”, when the Tory government began its messy slide into the sleaze which would sink it..."

Luckily, unlike me and John Major, no-one knew this about us, til I wrote about how we were secretly fucking in the first volume of my racy best-selling memoirs (still available in paperback).
Then one day it all came to me, like a splash across the face.
Dammit! I will change the world forever for the gays! 
"But we've been tirelessly working and campaigning towards this for decades?!" some silly old loony lefty said to me.
And getting nowhere fast!
If you want something doing - and want to take all the credit like Tories always do - I say, pop your head over the parapet at the last moment and do it your Eddie Currie self!

"Nobody could point the finger at me, hinting that I wanted the change because I hankered after pubescent boys."

I hope none of you lovely gay boys - who I made legal over 18 by the billy-oh way - think that last line's offensive, what with me inferring you're all a bit Jimmy Savile and that - but I speak as I find.
Like someone from a bad sketch who's trying to sound Northern, pet. 

Anyway, once I'd got behind this gay buggery business, it was made law.
Quick as "I thank you" and all was right as the bloody northern rain. 
Sure, some old fuddy-duddy fogeys in the Conservative Party said it couldn't be done - but that's what they said just before I freed Nelson Mandela.
So next... how to honour me?
I know, little old modest me!

Stonewall called a rally in Trafalgar Square. That was a new one on me, rubbing shoulders with Vanessa Redgrave and Dawn French. The sun shone, the rainbow-coloured balloons soared up over London. “What do I do?” I hissed to Labour MP Tony Banks. “You get up there and make a short speech,” he answered, surprised. “Never done this before -” I explained, as he helped me onto the plinth of Nelson’s column. “ 

By 'eck, I thought.
What happened to you, Edwina Currie?
A humble Lancashire lass - who liked nothing better than shouting at people about how great I am - now they've only gone and dedicated the last plinth on Trafalgar bloomin' Square after me!

• Quotes in bold from yesterday's article in Pink News, How I changed the age of consent a world away from equal marriage, by Edwina Currie. An "exclusive" piece ripped off one of her memoirs.

* Edwina writes; "Nigel Lord-Fauntleroy from LGBTory tells me someone on Twitter tried to pull me up on this "fact" late last Saturday night.
"Okay, maybe "technically" some other politicians who weren't mad self-aggrandising Tories did a bit of stuff first. 
"But "Fagburn", Nigel thought no-one would pull him up on boring parliamentary detail so he could just tweet any old nonsense and get "liked".
"And in your angry drunken hastily-sent twittering, you got Lord Arran's shoe-size wrong, so more fool you!
"Apologise!"

Editor's note: Right after you apologise for all the ways the Tories have endlessly fucked gay people and everyone else in this country over in the last century or so. 
So: In conclusion, in fine detail, and in the grand sweep of history you've always found yourself on the wrong side of - Fuck off.

Update: This tweet just in...