Vote Conservative: Labour Camp

Conservative party poster, 1987 general election. Via @anyabike. x

Fagburn Awards 20: Scoop Of The Year

David Cameron spectacularly fluffing his lines in an election time interview with GT.
Terrible PR for the former PR guy.
Great bit of PR for GT/Gay Times.
Let's hope they do more of "this sort of thing" in 2011, and less asking TV talent show contestants how much they love their gay fans.

Conservatives: Silver Screen Shower Scene

Fagburn has ConservativeHome to thank for this story; "Tories ditched £300,000 election ads that included gay shower scene"
They say it comes from yesterday's (paywalled) Sunday Times.
ConservativeHome say; "The Sunday Times reports that CCHQ [Conservative Party Head Quarters] commissioned and paid for a party election broadcast that portrayed people 'coming out' as Conservatives.
"One of the suppressed films that have now emerged shows naked men grappling in a shower, while another depicts a teenager being caught reading what at first appears to be a top shelf magazine. The third unshown ad makes light of teenage sex, portraying a girl confessing to her parents: “I am three months Conservative.”
According to The Sunday Times; "The most controversial of the films, which plays on the idea of gays “coming out”, features two good-looking young men standing in a shower.
"One says: “It feels so right. I am going to tell everyone.” The second puts a hand to his friend’s mouth as part of what looks like an embrace and replies: “I think I am too.”
"The camera then pans back to reveal the men’s teammates looking on in horror, before the Tory slogan is finally revealed."
The ads were due to be shown in cinemas during the general election campaign.
The Sunday Times quotes an anonymous party insider who said the ads were dropped for fear they "might have alienated more traditional core supporters."
But CH begs to differ; "My understanding is a little different. Senior Tories felt that the ads commissioned by Steve Hilton were at best out-of-date and at worst self-loathing. The opponents of the ad campaign felt that the 'decontamination phase' had gone on far too long and we needed to give people positive reasons for voting David Cameron and not to give people a new opportunity to think of Conservatives as the 'nasty party'."
Does this mean they thought the ads just wouldn't wash?
Thangyewverymuch.

Conservative Manifesto: Think About It

With only three days to go til E Day, the Conservatives have released yet another of these funny faux manifestos; the Contract For Equalities.
There was no official launch or press conference - one might wonder if they even wanted its contents to be reported on by the mainstream media.
On the party website they declare; "We want you to read this contract and - if we win the election - use it to hold us to account. If we don't deliver our side of the bargain, vote us out in five years' time."
The PDF has 29 pages - a massive two pages of which are devoted to "Action on LGBT issues".
In fine we learn that; they have some out MPs, they support civil partnerships, they want to give head teachers "the final say over the exclusion of homophobic bullies", they want to amend the law so convictions for consensual gay sex ("for activities that are now lawful...") can be removed from criminal records, and will "Fight for LGBT rights around the world".
That last bit appears to mean sending Nick Herbert off to attend EuroPride in Warsaw. Well, whoopee-do!
Oh, and there's something vague about putting "pressure on countries where gay people are persecuted, such as Uganda..." and wanting to "change the rules so that gay people fleeing persecution are granted asylum. At the moment gay asylum seekers are often returned to countries with homophobic regimes and told to keep their sexuality secret."
Whilst this is sadly and cruelly true, it is meaningless to talk of changing the rules for LGBT asylum seekers unless you state exactly what you are going to do to stop people who are being persecuted from being deported.
They also claim; "We will also consider the case for changing the law to allow civil partnerships to be called and classified as marriage."
So, in a document that's not even the manifesto, the Conservatives say they'll have a think about something.
Hardly an iron-cast pledge, is it?
I'm tempted to say this contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on, but I try to avoid cliche and - moreover - the Tories have only bothered to put this out as a PDF.

Religion: Answered Prayers

More incredibly shocking news!
A Conservative candidate, Philippa Stroud, believes lesbians, gay men and transsexuals can be cured by praying to Jesus in some sort of wacko mixture of Christian voodoo and medieval tomfoolery.
If she actually believes this nonsense, may I suggest that Ms Stroud is tried as a witch and drowned in the nearest duckpond?
Oh, and your mother sucks cocks in hell.
Good day.

Lib Dems: Scandal Days

Now I don't care about you, but as this is the last Sunday before the election I was hoping that one of the Sunday papers would have unearthed a sordid scandal on a leading politician that would have left their political career in tatters!
Ideally, I was hoping for one of them to have taken part in a sex act so disgusting it couldn't be described in a family newspaper - the Lib Dems are good at them.
What happened to the good old days when a Liberal leader could have been counted on to at least hire a hitman to take out an embarrassing old boyfriend and any alsatians who had the misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time?
Mind you, it's not really a scandal if you're found not guilty, is it?
Perhaps we should feel proud that our political leaders now appear to be so wholesome, pure and squeaky clean?
Or that we live in an age when being thrown out of one of our leading public schools for drug dealing and being a reformed cokehead appears to be no bar to a man serving in the most powerful office in the land?
Of course, some scandal may yet emerge. A week is, as they say, seven days in politics.

Bigoted woman in "bigoted woman" shock

More shocking news!! Labour's election campaign now looks in tatters after Gordon Brown called a woman who kept going on about immigration and sounded a bit bigoted a "bigoted woman".
When the 65 year-old pensioner asked him; "All these Eastern Europeans what are coming in, where are they flocking from?", Brown failed to give the decent answer; "That'll be Eastern Europe."
This incident could be every bit as catastrophic for Labour as that time when John Prescott punched some munter with a mullet who'd just thrown an egg in his face, and literally several voters thought; "Actually, I'm quite glad he did that."
It's only disappointing that Brown wasn't overheard calling her something really insulting.
Like "Silly old cunt" for example.
Or had punched her repeatedly in the face with a dumbbell whilst chanting; "Die! Die! Die!"

Section 28: Goodbye To All That

Shocking news! A Scottish Tory candidate has been suspended from the party after he described homosexuality as not normal.
Philip Lardner, who was standing in North Ayrshire and North Arran, made the comment on his website. He wrote; "I will always support the rights of homosexuals to be treated within concepts of (common-sense) equality and respect, and defend their rights to choose to live the way they want in private, but I will not accept that their behaviour is 'normal' or encourage children to indulge in it."
Lardner called for the repeal of anti-discrimination legislation; "Christians (and most of the population) believe homosexuality to be somewhere between 'unfortunate' and simply 'wrong' and they should not be penalised for politely saying so – good manners count too, of course. The current 'law' is wrong and must be overturned in the interests of freedom as well as Christian values."
He also called for the return of Section 28; "I will not accept that their behaviour is 'normal' or encourage children to indulge in it... Toleration and understanding is one thing, but state-promotion of homosexuality is quite another."
Andrew Fulton, chair of the Scottish Conservatives, confirmed Lardner’s party membership had been suspended; “These views have no place in the modern Conservative party.”
But if Conservative candidates are to be expelled for supporting Section 28, then I guess they'll have to kick out Cameron and find a new party leader.
Conservative MPs who voted against the 2007 Equality (Sexual Orientation) Regulations Act outnumbered those who voted for it by three to one.
And lest we forget, so did 10 Labour MPs (Joe Benton, Tom Clarke, Frank Cook, Jim Dobbin, David Drew, Peter Kilfoyle, James McGovern, Alan Meale, Geraldine Smith and David Taylor), and four Liberal Democrats (Alan Beith, Colin Breed, Tim Farron and Bob Russell).
Will the last MP deselected please etc etc etc...

Election: He Doesn't Want To Break Free

Now I don't care about you, but when I'm deciding who to vote for in the forthcoming general election, I ask myself three simple questions.
1. Are they a Conservative?
2. Are they an Ulster Unionist?
3. And are they also a professional Freddie Mercury impersonator?
That's why I'm voting for Harry Hamilton on May 6th.

"Just Gay Enough": Enough!

Leading bald commentator, Toby Young, wonders "Is Nick Clegg a 'Just Gay Enough' version of David Cameron?"
"Clegg is in touch with his feminine side, he’s emotionally open in a way that Cameron isn’t. He’s more vulnerable, less threatening... he uses hair gel, umm, err..."
World wonders; "Was there really an article in this, Toby?"

Desperately Seeking Asylum

The Labour Campaign for Lesbian, Gay Bisexual and Transgender Rights has issued another double-sided PDF masquerading as a "Labour gay manifesto", this time on international lesbian and gay rights.

As well as the usual hopelessly vague platitudes ("Ban homophobia from our shores"), it also includes some additional stuff that no-one really cares about ("Ensure every British embassy [is] licensed to hold civil partnerships").

Now what would you say if I were to ask what is the most important subject for this manifesto to cover?

Here's a little clue; it begins with an A and rhymes with "osylum".

Now try and guess one subject that it doesn't even pay lip service to.

"Give me your hungry, your tired, your poor,

I'll piss on 'em."

Lou Reed, Dirty Blvd.

The Abolition of Slavery

Something amazing has just happened!

I've finally heard a new election manifesto pledge that made me think; "That's avery good idea."

The Liberal Democrats say interns/work experience/office monkeys should be paid.

They say it should be a minimum of £55 a week, the same amount proposed for young people in workplace training.

Not much, but better than expecting people to work for free.

Those other commandments in full

I don't care about you, but I think there is only one party worthy of my support in the forthcoming general election - The Christian Party.

Their thrilling - yet entirely reasonable - election manifesto, Think Christian, Think Freedom!, includes quite a few things that silly old God forgot to include in the Ten Commandments; increasing the speed limit to 90mph, privatising the National Health Service, sacking loads of public sector workers, keeping nuclear weapons, banning gay marriage, and stopping unemployment benefit for all those workshy layabouts who haven't found a job after nine months.

If you'd like to know more about this dynamic and exciting new party - and who amongst the mentally-ill community wouldn't? - you can watch their first ever party political broadcast on the tellybox tonight.

It will be presented by my favourite God-bothering party leader, the Revd. George Hargreaves, composer of the evergreen hymn 'So Macho' of by Sinitta fame.

Praise be!

Nick Clegg: Dianabollocks

Dianabollocks - remember its name.
Dianabollocks is when the world gets caught up in a wave of mass hysteria.
Dianabollocks is when whole swathes of a country leave reason behind.
Dianabollocks is an outburst of collective insanity.
Dianabollocks is the enemy of independent thought.
We've just had the first sighting of some total and utter Dianabollocks of the election campaign. After the first televised Prime Ministerial debate on Thursday, one YouGov poll saw the Lib Dems leapfrogging over Labour into second place, putting them just behind the Tories with 30% of the vote.
Pundits claim this is the Clegg effect, all down to his triumphant appearance on the tellybox this week. But this is Dianabollocks. It has scarcely anything to do with what Clegg actually said on Thursday night. It's about a mad rush to say the same thing as everyone else; "Well, I'll certainly think about voting for them now..."
God help us if there's an election.

UKIP: Sod You

UKIP has launched their manifesto today, titled - get this - 'Straight Talking'.
I couldn't be arsed to read it all the way through, but it's nuttier than a scrotal sac, as per.
Essentially they want to bring back hanging, ban the metric system, tell all those bloated bureaucrats to hop off back to Brussels, spend more time playing golf, not eat any of that foreign muck, send "them" back, wera matching cufflinks and ties, and put an end once and for all to all of this politically correct malarkey.
But on the plus side they might overturn the smoking ban.
Swings, roundabouts...