Eurovision: Boo!

Oh noes! Azerbaijan isn't very nice and they are hosting the Eurovision!!!
Things are so bad Sir Peter Tatchell has put out a press release.
Let's read some more about this hell-hole.
The Times takes a look at Baku's subterranean gay life in The Power Of Disco-Ball Diplomacy..
Lucy Bannerman visits a gay club, and meets Elkhan Baghirov, an activist who thinks the Aliyev regime has been rather good for The Gays;
“Back when the opposition party was in power [after independence in 1991] it was not safe to walk the streets. Even in the past five, seven years, Baku was bad.
“I have spoken to many people this week who say they are so surprised. They were scared about coming here. I am pleased that they can now come to Baku and see with their own eyes. If you go out on the boulevard, you see a lot of happy Azeri faces.”
So NER.
Elkhan likes the Turkish entry; "Sexy man, super song."
The Telegraph's take on it is A tale of tyranny behind the kitsch of Eurovision in Azerbaijan, which, in true Telegraph-style, completes the Herculean task of writing about "the annual festival of tackiness" without actually mentioning The Gays.
Well done.
Meanwhile The Economist wonders what the Politically Apolitical European Broadcasting Union can do to protest the repressive regime.
It's funny I don't recall many journalists drawing attention to Israel's piss poor human rights record when they hosted Eurovision last, do you?
Still, it's not like Israel uses Eurovision for propaganda value to try and present themselves as a nice, normal "European" country, is it?
I've also heard some terrible things about the host country of this year's London Olympics.
Apparently they keep bombing, invading and occupying other countries.
And loads of homes were demolished to make way for the stadium!
Imagine.
Anyone for a boycott?
Oh, and since you're wondering I'd quite like Jedward to win Eurovision, obvs.
Top lads.

PS I see someone has started an internet petition complaining about human rights in Azerbaijan. I bet President Aliyev is shitting himself. 

Jedward: So Not Gay

'EUROVISION hopefuls Jedward have put to bed rumours they are gay, insisting: “We get a girl every HOUR.”
The testosterone-charged twins made their shocking boast as they faced Europe’s press ahead of the contest’s opening parade in Azerbaijan last night.

Quizzed over their outlandish stage look, John and Edward shrugged off the suggestion they are into fellas — insisting the public has no idea what really goes on between their sheets.
John revealed: “Me and Edward are straight. You don’t know the stuff we get up to with girls.”
And Edward jumped into the discussion, pointing at his PRIVATES.
He bragged: “Yeah, we got a girl every hour — there are people waiting out there, they are waiting for this!”
However, the Lucan lads, 20, did acknowledge that their wacky style sense has heightened interest in their sexuality.
John said: “I think a lot of people ask this question because we wear crazy outfits and some people who are gay wear crazy outfits but, yeah, we are straight.
“We have loads of girls so sorry to all the guys out there — you are still awesome but no, not this time.”
His brother chipped in: “A big shout out to all the gay fans — you guys rock.'

The Irish Sun.
Thanks for clearing that up, lads. 
Though, as with so much with Jedward, you get the feeling they didn't mean for their "denial" to be taken seriously. 
I'd quite like them to win Eurovision by the way.
But then I'd also like them to make a twincest video.
Is that just me?

Jedward: Protection From The Ordinary

Always do the craZy thing! What would Jedward do?... Protection from the Ordinary!

Jedward via Twitter.
I genuinely thought this was quite profound - and a great philosophy.
Top lads.

Celebrity Big Brother: Team Jedward

I love you boys, and will come up with a neo-Gramscian anarcho-Marxist reason why in a bit...

TV Poofs News: 5? 6? 7? 8??!!!

Good evening! Here is the TV Poofs News!
Bong!
Louie Spence - world reknowned journalist and media mogul choreographer and television personality - has been given a regular spot on This Morning
He'll be handing out grooming and fashion [!] tips to students, "homeworkers", seniors and the rapidly-increasing massed ranks of the unemployed.
Hey! Anyone who annoys the fuck out of queer Uncle Tom Andrew Pierce is a friend o' Fagburn's.
Bong!
Don't forget to tune into the first of Jonathan Ross's ITV1 new chat show thing on Saturday.
It's gonna be a whole lot better than his BBC1 one.
That's right, he's given those cunts 4 Poofs & A Piano the push.
Ah, the Poofs - Margarita Pracatan to Wossy's Clive James.
ie Everyone thought they were absolute shit.
Bong!
And finally... Jedward are not gay!!!
I know this cause I read it in the papers.
'Jedward are not gay or autistic, their manager insists' Metro.
Actually their manager didn't say this, their tour manager did in an interview with New! Magazine.
And if someone says something a magazine then it must be true, innit?
New! asked this tour manager/roadie bloke why they seem so shy when talking about their "lovelives" on Celebrity Big Brother?
"They are really shy. I’m sure they do fancy girls but don’t like talking about sex as they’re probably aware that their granny is watching!"
Bless!
But Darryn - the boorish morbidly obese Australian one on Celebrity Big Brother - recently inferred the world reknowned journalists and media moguls lovable Irish singing twins - Jedward & Jedward were A PAIR OF MENTALIST GAYS!
"Darryn was just stirring s***. They’re not gay," insisted one Liam McKenna.
So why haven't they had girlfriends, yet?
Eh? EH!!!!
Is it a mad Christian "No sex til marriage" thing like their brainwashed idols The Jonas Brothers?
Or Sir Cliff Of Richard, for example.
"I don’t know if they’re overly religious, I think it’s just a conscious decision they made. The Jonas Brothers are their idols and they said they didn’t want sex before marriage. I think the boys live their life by these guys."
Of course.
I am literally rooting for them to win.*
Their actual manager, Louis Walsh, was unavailable for comment.
And anyway, Louis Walsh is also really shy and doesn’t like talking about sex in case his granny's watching.

* I am actually. This isn't ironic. I love those two to bits.

Jedward: Even Gayer Than Steve Pafford

And that's saying something.

Jedward's just an exercise in camp, isn't it?
Bless!

Celebrity Big Brother: Now With Added Shagging!

Now I don't care about you, but Fagburn is RIPPED about the other big news story today - the return of (Celebrity) Big Brother TONIGHT!
Even though I don't own a telly and can't even be arsed to see if you can watch anything on Channel 5 on the internet, I am so fucking excited about this.
The new series also sees another welcome return to our screens - that of Brian Dowling; star of ITV Play's late night interactive gambling-based phone-in show, The Mint.
Leading CBB fanzine The Daily Star spoke for many when they squawked;
"WHAT a coup it was getting Brian Dowling to present the new Big Brother.
"Who better to host the revamped version of everyone’s favourite show?"
Apart from Davina McCall, obviously?
Brian was on the tellybox as recently as last year, when he won the last Celebrity Big Brother.
Then it was cancelled cause no-one was watching and it had started to look even shitter and sadder than before.
And - AND - it's ten years almost to the year since Brian won Big Brother.
Ah, god bless the bubbly/camp/outrageous/gay/Irish/fat/former air steward, 32.
As I type, the Twittersphere is LITERALLY ABLAZE with rumours about who will be the celebrities on Celebrity Big Brother?
Jedward? Sally Bercow?? Bobby Brown??? Pippa Middleton??? Gore Vidal????
It's gonna be one heck of a show - especially now it's being brought to the nation by wank-enabler-in-chief Richard Desmond.
If the pre-publicity is to be believed we are guaranteed to get to see some of these C-List celebs fucking like wild drunken dogs - LIVE ON TV!!!
So we've moved on from Orwell's 1984, and into The Year Of The Sex Olympics.
And that - my friends - is called fucking progress!

Eurovision: A Heated Debate

Charles Shaar Murray: I've been thinking about what it is about this oom-pah stuff, or its modern, glitzy equivalent, that I don't like, and I figure it's because most of the music I like is derived from an African-American tradition – soul, blues, rock, reggae. But the Americans ain't in it, the Latin Americans ain't in it, the Caribbeans ain't in it.

Cheryl Baker: In Eurovision? That's because it's Europe! Although there is Israel.

Charles Shaar Murray: I have a problem with that. It's like they're saying, OK, we may be geographically in the Middle East, but culturally we're down with you white folks. Here's my Eurovision nightmare: this is what all popular music would have been like if the Nazis had won.

Cheryl and Charles talk Eurovision in The Guardian.
Mr Murray clearly has no grasp of the charm of the bad.
Here's someone who does - a great, funny live blog from Eurovision World Of Chig.
Fagburn will be rooting for Jedward.

Where Are They Now? Joe McElderry

"SIMON COWELL tipped JOE McELDERRY to become the British version of ZAC EFRON after he won X Factor in 2009.
Sadly, these days the Geordie would struggle to get a part in Byker Grove if the show was still on telly.
"It was never the same after Spoogie left.
"Joe's current status in the pop world was summed up at the weekend when he supported JEDWARD at a free outdoor concert in Lisburn, Co Antrim..."

The SUN.
Actually JOE McELDERRY got double billing as a "headline act" at The Mayor's Carnival Concert, but why not kick a gay man when he's down?
Little Joe was welcomed to Northern Ireland with a piece in the Belfast Telegraph; "So where did it all go wrong for McElderry and can the cute wannabe crawl his way back?
"Some insiders believe McElderry's decision to announce that he was gay might have gone against him in his US bid for stardom."
The Sun's sister paper, The News Of The World, had a big hand in fucking up Joe's career with their constant snide jokes about his sexuality before he felt ready to come out.
Camping from £1?