Exclusive: World Running Out Of News

Further proof - if proof be need be - that the ladies and gentlemen of the press have given up work for the year and all gone down the metaphorical pub... they've started running stories about those fucking "gay" penguins again!?!!
Apart from fully paid-up members of the simpleton community, does anyone give a flying fuck about any of this crapola?
FFS!
In other non-news:
Those pandas in Scotland still haven't done anything interesting p 3.
Calls for David Attenborough to be shot in front of his family after polar bear cubs scandal proven to be existential threat to entire world pps 4-12.