Diamond Jubilee: Hurrah!

Congratulations, your maj!
Fagburn can't begin to describe his excitement at this weekend's Diamond Jubilee celebrations.
Today we are holding a street party outside Fagburn Towers where we will feast on bunting and ambient sausage rolls.
I'm also loving the Mail Online who have run over 60 Royal stories in the past 24 hours. 
Tomorrow it's off to London to watch a massive watery pageant featuring some boats and a mere 13,000 police officers and security dudes to protect Lil from her adoring subjects.
On Monday it's the the concert at Buckingham Palace starring Shirley Bassey, Sir Elton of John, Dame Cliff Richard, Gary Barlow CBBC and so many more of today's tip-top musical entertainers.
Rumour has it the night will climax with Queen Elizabeth ripping off her mask and finally revealing her real shape-changing reptilian self as thousands cheer.
You have brought so much joy to members of this country's stupid community, ma'am.
May you reign for sixty more anti-democratic years!

PS Peter Tatchell says she has done nowt for The Gays. Fair point - though she has given rather a lot of them jobs.

Marriage: Too Many Queens

'

'BRITAIN could end up with TWO Queens on the throne if gay marriage becomes law, an MP warned last night.
'Tory Peter Bone claimed the new legislation would throw the monarchy into crisis. 'He said it would mean a lesbian Queen having a Queen consort or a gay King having a King consort. 'Mr Bone has demanded an emergency summit of Commonwealth leaders to discuss the planned changes.
'He said: "They seem to be rushing this through without thinking of the broader implications."
The MP has fired off a letter to Equalities Minister Lynne Featherstone warning of possible upheaval in the monarchy.
'And he wants to know if it is the Government's plan to change the Royal Marriages Act of 1772 to allow a same-sex union.
'Mr Bone believes this would make it impossible for the monarch to continue as supreme governor of the Church of England.
'And a gay monarch who conceived a child either by sperm donor or surrogate would raise wider questions, he warns...'

The increasingly mad Peter Bone MP - leading Cunt For Marriage - in The Sun Sunday.
And your problem with this is what exactly, dear? 
Easiest solution to the "problem"?
Abolish the monarchy.
Thanks for asking.

• Predictably the Mail On Sunday is also vexed by the titular and honorific anarchy we may be unleashing; "At present, if ‘Fred Bloggs’ is given a peerage and becomes ‘Lord Bloggs’, his wife ‘Freda’ becomes ‘Lady Bloggs’. Likewise, the wife of a knight of the realm, ‘Sir Fred Bloggs’, becomes ‘Lady Bloggs’...
"In the case of lesbian ‘Dame Freda Bloggs’, her lesbian married partner ‘Fiona’ could be titled ‘Dame Fiona’ or ‘the Honourable Fiona’" etc etc.
Oh noes!
Oh, and the Mail also claim this; "The Mail on Sunday understands that notwithstanding David Cameron’s publicly stated enthusiasm for gay marriage, it will not be in the Queen’s Speech in May when the Government unveils its legislative plans for next year.
"That means it will not become law for at least two years, possibly not until after the next General Election in 2015."
Fagburn wonders if the Mail have got some (gay) thing right for once.

Royal Succession: And You, You Will Be Queen

Fagburn thinks we should abolish the royal family.
I know they bring some happiness into the lives of a lot of people who are - how can I put this? - a bit thick, but the institution is incompatible with democracy.
So I'm not desperately excited by any attempt to "modernise" something that's inherently medieval.
It's like saying you're going to put a safetybelt on a ducking-stool - so what!!?
If this country hasn't come to its senses by then, it appears that the first-born child of Prince William Battenberg-Cake of Suxe-Coxburg and Gothic-Bold could succeed to the throne even if - heaven forfend - it's a girl.
And further, our monarch will be able to marry a Catholic.
Betcha by golly wow!
But would this theoretical future King Of England be allowed to civil partner or get gaymarried?
And, if so, what title would the king's husband have?
Fagburn will try and chase this up with "constitutional expert", Norman St John Stevas forthwith.
But please don't hold your breath - I don't actually give a fuck.

• The illustration is from a childrens' book showing Blondel, faithful minstrel, close friend and "special adviser" to King Richard I of Lionheart fame.

Breaking News: Man To Marry Woman!

Fagburn has only just got round to posting today as he is so unbelievably fucking excited about the announcement that Prince William Of Inbred is to marry Kate Middleclass, a simple peasant girl from a multi-millionaire family.
It's not every day that a man and a woman get married, so Fagburn joins every single person on earth in wishing them every happiness, or at least a bit more happiness than royal couples usually have.
Thank fuck he didn't want to marry a fella.

• As this is clearly the most important event in the history of the world since man first tamed fire, Fagburn may not post again until at least teatime.