Autobiography: There's More To Life Than Books, You Know, But Not Much More...

I fear today will be spent mainly waiting for the postman and/or lady.
First time I've felt excited about anything Morrissey's released for 25 years...

I do wish people would stop offering their instant opinions on this self-serving over-written over-long pathetic mendacious flatulent dull travesty of a "book".

Update: It is here! I shall now attempt to read it...

"Put kettle on, mother, I'm parched and... and I've something to tell you..."

"By the way, thought I might mention in passing I was born and raised on the mean dizzy streets upon streets upon streets of Manchester, a city I feel so umbilically drawn to I now live in LA and Rome, which coincidentally have far lower tax rates..."

"Needless to say, I was the talented one..."

"In yet another clear attempt to destroy both me and my unblemished reputation, he pretended to help me..." 

"Geoff fucking Travis! WHAT A CUNT!"

"But enough about me, here's 12 meandering pages where I compare another great pop star or poet to me..."

"Tea with Bonnie Langford. A true acting legend from a more golden age who knows how fame can be a cruel mistress. We have half a cream horn each..."

Yes, Steven, you getting taken to court for ripping off Andy and Mike was the biggest travesty of justice since the Wilde trial.

Still, good to see you've gotten over it now...

"Devious, truculent, unreliable..." etc etc

Breaking: World reels in shock as popular singer who wrote lots of songs about how he likes dudes says he once quite liked a dude...

"Eventually Johnny tried to kiss and make up. He picked me up at my mum's house and then drove us to Saddleworth Moor..."

And if you believe Jake was her first boyfriend you're even more stupid than he looked...

Have to say that story about La Moz going to the Vauxhall Tavern with Princess Diana and Freddie Mercury sounds a bit made-up...

Doesn't she go on? It's all; "Me me me! Moan moan moan!"
Really wasn't expecting this...

Two words, love; "You really, really needed an editor...."

Accidentally skips another 37 pages...

Still holding out a vain hope he'll make a sly reference to me, and slags me off something rotten...

"And then to counter the endless accusations that I'm a big gay racist, I made up this bit about me going out with an Iranian lady..."

Finished! Phew! Great last line: "But thank goodness after all that I can still see the funny side."

Dear Penguins Book Inc,

Here's a quote you can put on the back of the reprint...

'Penguin Classic? Moz Mis Lit Lite more like! Imagine an 80s' Indie De Profundis written by the bastard bitchy lovechild of Alan Partridge and Charles Hawtrey' - Fagburn.