Politics: That Cabinet Reshuffle Not In Full

Greg Barker OUT: Leaves his position as Minister for Lightbulbs and will be leaving parliament at the next election, but please don't read anything into that. May be spending time with his ex-wife who he left cause he's a big gayer.

Nick Boles IN: Dashing and openly gay - and a former flatmate of Michael Gove - today he was suddenly given the in-no-way made-up brief of 'overseeing equal marriage implementation'. As the Equalities Minister is opposed to equal marriage. Oops.

Ken Clarke OUT: It's goodbye to the fun-loving Minister for Jazz, who had to go so he can't resign over Europe later. 'Pub?' he said on leaving Downing Street.

Stephen Crabb IN: Minister for Wales? Minister for Woof more like! Who cares if this hot bearded bear believes in anti-gay conversion therapy?

Alan Duncan OUT: The Tories' first out gay MP. The lovable diddyman leaves his position as Minister of State for International Development to go and make some more millions from dodgy oil deals during the current tumult in the Middle East.

Liam Fox OUT: Declined an offer to return as Defence Secretary as Mr Cameron said he couldn't keep going on trips with his BFF and former flatmate, Adam Werritty.

Michael Gove OUT: Adored by teachers throughout Albion, Mr Gove has left the Ministry for Education. Number 10 insists he has not been demoted, and said making tea for cabinet meetings was jolly important.

William Hague OUT: In one of today's biggest shocks, the Minister for War Crimes Foreign Secretary quit so he could spend more time with his family and young friend, Chris Myers.

Lord Haw-Haw OUT: The 112 year-old far right Minister for Anglo-German Friendship gets the boot - a sure sign Mr Cameron wants to modernise his party's image.

Nicky Morgan IN: An obvious choice for Minister for Women and Equalities due to her valiant opposition to equal marriage. And as she was privately educated, she was a shoo-in for Education Minister.

Sir Cyril Smith IN: Nick Clegg lobbied hard for the return to frontline politics of the king-sized Liberal legend. Smith will be Under Secretary for Pederasty and Death Threats.

Jennifer Token-Nice-Young-Lady IN: Position yet to be confirmed.

Steve Bell in Wednesday's Guardian.