The Sun: Misery As Xmas News Drought Moves Into Its Third Day

The Sun.

Ring ring. Ring ring...
"Hello 0846 438 5544?"
"Hello, is that The Sun Scandal Hotline?"
"Yes."
"Hello, my name's Julian and I have quite a story to tell - or should I say sell!"
"Okay, who is it about, please?"
"You know that gay fella who's been hanging round with Jordan?"
"Nope."
"Oh, come on you've been running with this one for days."
"Sorry, I'd completely forgotten about him. And your story is?"
"SHE'S GAY!"
"Yes, I think everyone had guessed that."
"I talked to her on Skype."
"How very interesting. We may need some more details."
"Am I getting paid for this?"
"Yes. Do go on..."
"She showed me her muscles!"
"Is that it?"
"Pretty much, yeah."
"Okay."
"How much do I get?"
"For completely inconsequential non-stories like this we pay £40."
"FAB! Can I have it in Boot's gift vouchers, only I need to stock up on Fake Bake for Christmas."

The Sun: Terrifying Xmas News Drought Hits Britain

The Sun.

"Busty glamour model" Katie Price has been seen canoodling at a Chrimas Party with a bit-part actor who's been in EastEnders three times and has done some soft porn.
Got that?
Fascinating.
Oh, and taking your knickers off in a video isn't quite the same as being a "gay icon", love.
Times like this make me really hope the Mayans were right and the world does end tomorrow.

PS Louis Smith - of Olympics and strictly fame - is also labouring under the misapprehension that he's a "gay icon" - which has clearly become a thoroughly meaningless term.
Whoever next?
Keith Harris? Orville? Clarkson?!!