The Observer: Not Totally Straight

'...a much-discussed headline in the Sun last week. "Jessie Gay," it said, "Simon NOT Gay". Please update your sexuality Google doc: Jessie "gay" J is a "secret lesbian" and Simon "not gay, actually, no" Cowell is "totally straight". This month the Sun also ran stories on Prince Harry telling Alan Carr: "I'm not gay!", George Clooney saying he doesn't mind if people think he's gay, Emmerdale's Danny Miller saying: "I'm so glad I won't be kissing any more blokes" now he's leaving the soap, Liam from One Direction denying gay rumours, and an interesting piece on the sexuality of male dolphins (FYI: bi). It must be exhausting, mustn't it, keeping on top of who everyone wants to lie down with? I picture a But Is He Gay editor, sweating on his swivel chair, a well-worn MDF gayometer swinging doomily on his desk, the sweet smell of Lynx hazing above him like steam. Is Cowell "totally straight"?
'Dear the Sun – let me clarify…'

Eva Wiseman writing in The Observer.
So far, so fine.
She then goes on to compile one of those "You know you're not totally straight when" lists;
"If you have ever used disposable facial wipes or dry shampoo; if you have ever carried hand cream. If you have ever tried a speciality coffee. If you have ever cuddled someone platonically..."
It just seemed like a cliched exercise in space filling to me.
If I was forwarded a link to this - and it's just the kind of sickly/jokey drivel that gets passed on like viral pox - I'd be reaching for the Unfollow button.
And many of her markers of being "not totally straight" read more like markers of being middle class;
"If you have ever gone to a Westfield or similar mega-mall, one with a food court, and absolutely utterly hated it. If you have ever said "Hiya!" If you have ever added a garnish to your food..."
Westfield? Yuk!
Is it meant to be funny?
Maybe it's ironic?
Maybe I'm just in a mood?
Who can say?

The Vinyl Closet: You Spin Me Round

"So let's get this straight (forgive me): even in the world of entertainment – a traditional haven for outsiders searching for acceptance and self expression – the lesbian is shunned? Even in the kingdom of Elton and Rufus and George, the lesbian is pressured to don the mask of bisexuality, so as not to exclude men totally or appear alienating?"

Barbara Ellen in The Observer on claims Jessie J is a lesbian but was told to say she was bisexual by her record company.
I love Miss Babs but this is an odd argument.
Elton John "came out" as bisexual - which he wasn't - in 1976, and got married in 1984.
George Michael was in the closet til he was caught in a cottage.
This is hardly ancient history.
Does anyone really believe there are no male music stars still trapped in the Vinyl Closet, never mind "entertainers"?
I'm happy to secretly give you a list, but it's pretty long...
And who says Jessie J is lying when she says she's bisexual?

The Sun: And On That Bombshell...

In 1997 The Sun said it wasn't going to out people anymore...