Britain's Got Talent: Ban This Filth!

'In one witty rant after Simon told a contestant to be more “showbizzy”, ­David scoffed: “Yeah, have a bit of work done, become friends with Louis Walsh, go on holiday with Sinitta, have your picture taken with your top off and some fruit in your mouth.”
'Simon tried to brush it off by rolling his eyes and muttering: “Thank you David, you’ve made you’re point David,thank you.”

'The fun began in the first session of ­auditions. When the panel were discussing whether the Queen would like one of the acts, David piped up: “Don’t worry, they’re not talking about you Simon.”
'Later, a hopeful who did a bizarre impression of Russell Crowe in the film Gladiator, presented the judges with strange busts of themselves. Inspecting Cowell’s, David said: “Oh, ­Simon’s much camper than that!”

The Sunday Mirror.

But on reflection...

Britain's Got Talent bosses fear judges raunchy jokes will be too X rated to screen

'And one show source said: “Bosses are likely to have a word because too many sexual references would cause problems for ITV.

'“There is a lot of stuff that won’t make it through to the TV show because it’s before the watershed.”
'First new judge David Walliams started a “bromance” with Cowell and made a string of flirty sexual references. 'After gay dance duo The Sugar Dandies did a ballroom performance with lifts to Westlife’s You Raise Me Up, funnyman David asked Cowell: “Did that raise you up?”
'He also then imagined him and Cowell together and told his boss: “You would be the lifter. You understand what I mean.”
'When David asked a teenage contestant why he had a scarf at the end of his guitar the lad replied: “It keeps the strap on.”
'David then made a reference to a sex toy, and was overheard telling Cowell: “You’re going to have to edit so much of this out.”
'But it wasn’t just new boy David camping up the show with saucy comments..."

The Daily Mirror.

Here's some ropey footage of "gay dance duo" The Sugar Dandies for your delectation and delight.

God help us if there's a war!