Rainbow List 2014: Under The Influence

Our judges debated long and hard, weighing several forms of "influence" in making their choices. We even invented a new rule, known as The Janet Jackson Rule: "What has s/he done for us lately?" The result honours those who have long and brave histories of standing up for equal rights, even when equality wasn't even legal, as well as youngsters whose openness in the past year shows children (and adults) that who they are and whom they love need not be a barrier to success in any walk of life...

Independent On Sunday.

It's hard to know where to start with this one.

Despite The IoS rebranding their annual Pink List of 101 LGBTs of note, the Rainbow List, it was reassuring to see this year's selection is as ridiculous as ever.

Michael Cashman is in with a bullet at number one - though strangely this highly influential gayer was not in the hot 100 last year.

It's hard to see what has changed, beyond the former EastEnders actor being elevated to the House of Lords for services to Blairite brown-nosing.

What has he done for us lately?

Erm, in February he cut up his Visa card in the European parliament cause, you know, Russia.

Take that, Putin!

Maybe Michael got the sympathy vote - his civil partner and 'researcher', Paul Cottingham, died last month.

Of course it would be churlish to speculate there was some 'Vote for Michael' campaign organised by Labour Party HQ.

There's another high entry at number three - Vicky Beeching, a lesbian Christian Country singer!

Erm...

If nothing else, I'm sure she's definitely the most influential lesbian Christian Country singer in the UK.

Does anyone seriously believe that anyone would have voted for Simon Topham (60), beyond maybe some of his adoring slaves at Millivres Prowler Group?

Luckily one of them, his loyal lieutenant Kim Watson, was on the judging panel.

Mind you, you can get on the Rainbow List with nominations in double figures.

As every year, the whole list is hampered by its tokenism; I'm sure Claire Harvey, the 'Team GB sitting-volleyball Paralympic captain' is a wonderful woman, but should she really be at number 38?

Thankfully there's no-one here nowhere near as record-breakingly pointless as last year's number 16, David Gwinnutt, the inventor of the Pink Jack flag!

But so many placings seem random and/or baffling.

The short blurbs describing people's achievements are so slapdash they must have been written by a particularly dim intern after a quick Google.

Separate lists for gay men, lesbians and trans people - put to a popular vote with no 'judges' tinkering - would be far more interesting and illuminating.

As it stands, this shit list is still Britain's biggest gay joke.

PS They say you can leave comments about the list, but you can't, oddly.

It's a shame because I wanted to thank all the people who voted repeatedly for themselves.