James Bond: 'The Name's Moron, Piers Moron...'

If James Bond’s gay, then the whole tone of the franchise has to go gay too.

His lovers would be gay men, Bond Girls would become Bond Boys.

‘What’s the problem with that?’ I hear the PC brigade howl (they always howl, FYI.)

Well, nothing. Except I wouldn’t want to watch that, and nor I suspect would the vast majority of Bond movie fans.

So the film would tank, and the franchise would die.

This is not homophobia – I think I proved my anti-homophobia chops on air at CNN and regularly on social media - it’s simple commercial reality.

Bond’s 50-year brand has been built on a clear, definable platform of him being a ruthless, womanising assassin.

And it’s been one of the most enduring, successful brands in the history of cinema.

 For an example of what can go wrong if you dupe an audience, take the case of George Michael.

He had a brilliant pop career, right up to the moment where he came out as gay.

Then his record sales fell off a cliff. *

It wasn’t his sexuality that was the problem. It was the fact that he’d misled millions of adoring female fans for years into thinking he was a straight guy who wanted to bed them.

George’s brand was the great romantic seducer of, and crooner to, women – and when his closet sprang gloriously open, many of those women ran for the hills of Justin Timberlake.

So no, James Bond can’t be gay. It just wouldn’t work.

(I doubt even the gay community really wants Bond to be gay – right now, he surely remains the ultimate unobtainable challenge?) ...

Daily Mail.

Piers Morgan weighs in on one of the most pressing issues of the day.

Ironically sounding like one of James Bond's biggest fans, Alan Partridge.

Once more... James Bond is a fictional character.

* Possibly Freudian choice of words here.

PS Here's an interview with Mark O'Connell author of the acclaimed Catching Bullets: Memoirs Of A [Gay] Bond Fan. 

@Fagburn Hey. Oh that old one. He isn't but is easily able to pretend otherwise if the mission needs it. He likes to help out at weekends!

— Mark O'Connell (@Mark0Connell) October 29, 2015

Showbusiness: In The Absence Of News

Roger Moore, who please bear in mind is 88, says that James Bond, who please bear in mind is an entirely fictional character, can not be gay or 'a lady Bond' * A 'really adorable gay couple' (barf!) didn't make it to the X Factor final * Sir Tim Rice makes a completely unconvincing case that the 'baffling lyrics' to Bohemian Rhapsody was 'Freddie's coming out song'; '"I see a little silhouetto of a man” – that’s him, still being haunted by what he’s done, and what he is.'" An interpretation of the next line 'Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?' is sadly omitted * Will 'Nice But Dim' Young says in 2012 he checked into a clinic and was told he had post-fame PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). 'I must admit I am baffled. I thought PTSD was linked to single events — a bomb explosion in Iraq, say, or a car crash,' notes The Times' journalist wrily * Mark Feehily, he was the gay one in Westlife you may just recall, has made his first solo album. He has written some songs about his ex-boyfriends. Expected sales: 27 * Everybody loves 'impish star' Ben Whishaw, 'the delicate frame and gentle voice of... MI6’s resident geek, Q...' * Vincent Price might have been bisexual * Casey Conway, another retired rugby player you've never heard of before is gay, he's now pushing over-priced swimwear * Nobody has a clue who those two gay footballers could be, or indeed if they exist * More boring showiz gossip when we hear it...